Youth Specialties- Pittsburgh: Women and Balance

We had a great time at NYWC – Pittsburgh this weekend. Thanks to all of you who came to our seminars. The continual feedback we’re gaining is helping us present our own material more clearly. On a separate note, I never tire of listening to David Crowder.

So I took my own advice and went to a YS seminar that I recommended on Saturday morning called “Balancing Your Life as a Woman in Youth Ministry,” led by Kara Powell of Fuller Seminary. I was the only guy there and maybe I experienced, first hand, what it feels like to be the minority gender in a ministry context.

I’m embarrassed to say that, in past conferences, attending a course like this hasn’t been on my radar screen. I am a guy, after all. Further, I wondered if my presence would make me look like a spy, a needy male, or a party crasher. So I snuck in the back and tried to go unnoticed. Like any good presenter, Kara started her session by asking who was in youth ministry, who was married to a youth pastor, who was a mother, etc. and as she got more specific on women’s categories, she (and others) quickly noticed that I didn’t fit them! I was warmly greeted by her and braced myself for the inevitable question, verbalizing what many of the women were probably thinking, “Why are you here?”

It’s rare that I feel nervous speaking up in a group, but this was one of those times! I answered the question by saying that I was here to learn and gain perspective from a group of people that make up over half of the church.

A deeper reason for me being there might be my increasing realization of how skewed my perceptions can be. I don’t mean to depreciate myself other than to state that we all bring our perspectives to the way we view and live in our worlds. My experiences, among other things, come from a male (white, suburban, privileged, etc.) background. My perceived needs for the church, community, world, start with assumptions based on my perspective and I’m realizing that unless I’m willing to listen and to change, my teaching, counseling, leading, speaking, and living will lean in a disproportionate direction and I’ll miss the broader (majority) perspective.

Further, I believe that if we think of the world systemically, the balance in the life of women is not merely a woman’s issue, but a community issue where, if my male friends are honest, we men have probably contributed to the imbalance in lives of women. If we’re part of the problem, I better be willing to be part of the solution.

So I came to learn and listen. I have great respect for Kara and for her expertise and I wanted to hear how others in the room would process her questions and comments. So here are a few take-aways of what I heard…

- Women feel imbalanced due to the pressures and expectations they put on themselves. The internal pressures seem to out-pressure the external pressures. When Kara asked the group which seemed to be a stronger force in their imbalance, all in the class said their internal pressure was greater than external pressure.

- Women feel knocked off-balance by the mixed-messages they receive, especially in the church– they are to be strong… but not too strong; they are to be nice… but not too nice; they are to be attractive… but not too attractive; they are to be competent… but not too competent; they are to lead well… but not lead too much; they have authority… but not too much authority, etc. etc.

- Kara called for women in ministry to seek balance of soul, relationships, and ministry. This becomes increasingly difficult as the relationship category grows with being married and having children. As much as the husbands can share in the caring for children, a lot still falls on the woman and they feel this pressure (and it’s a legitimate pressure as studies show that women work an hour more per day than men when home and work hours are factored in!).

What also struck me was that here was a group of women who really desired to pursue balance in their lives. I wonder if it’s a losing battle if we say that balance in women’s lives is only a women’s issue. Seems like we’re just heaping more pressure… and imbalance on them.

I wonder what would happen if more men began to show up at seminars like Kara’s. It certainly would change the dynamic and maybe take away from the affinity focus. But what a wonderful problem this would be! I urge more men to attend Kara’s seminar in Nashville! Kara, I hope that’s okay.

As for me, I have an amazing wife, Jen, and three incredible daughters. I hope to learn how to be a balancing force… and not an absent or negative force in their life pursuits. And this certainly means striving toward my own life-balance of soul, relationships, and ministry.